I’ve just been looking at my stats on all my blog sites and noticed that there are people who are following this site and not my new one. So I would suggest if you want to keep up with my latest warblings then switch to following www.aspirationaladventures.wordpress.com
I only post on this site when I forget to switch sites and haven’t really used this for about 5 years now.
Lots of heaven pics have clouds in them!!! Strange. Not sure I like clouds either
The phrase is meant to mean that lots of bad stuff goes on and then its all over, I suppose. Though the more I think about it the dying part isn’t so bad its the being left behind that is. Ok so I’m not saying dying is easy. Far from it. But in dying, like in going off to do something, its you doing the going – whether through long illness or by design. Ok so its not so much an adventure and it must be so scary going into the unknown. Even as Christians we don’t really know what it’ll be like. I heard a talk once where a guy had one of those “heaven” experiences and he said he saw a field that was just full of waving grass, no weeds in it, and I thought “I don’t want to go there. It sounds boring”: there
was another one who talked of being surrounded by friends and family who had gone before and I thought “I don’t think I’d like that. It sounds too crowded.” I have my own picture of what I want the life after death place to be. I think I’m hoping that I’ll have more time to read and write and hang out with friends and family. I suppose I’m supposed to say I’d look forward to being with Jesus/God all the time, which is sort of true, but I’d also like time with friends. I’m sort of hoping that God is a more tangible presences than He is now, but that I still get my space. Not sure how that fits in with the whole Christian thing. I think I’m a bad Christian anyway. I struggle at a recent Christian gathering, where I was feeling sensitive, but there was lots of teasing going on and at one point I couldn’t decide if I wanted to scream or cry, so I said nothing. It wasn’t what I was hoping heaven would be like. Mind you I’m hoping in heaven because God really does know me He won’t tease me when I’m feeling low, won’t presume from me because of what He sees on the surface, won’t have expectations.
It’s been a bit of a rubbish week. Lots have gone on but the two biggies for me effect friends of mine more than me. One is her brother-in-law who went to a hospice a couple of weeks ago for the final time and the staff have said he will be dead by the end of today. He wasn’t looking forward to the next bit of his journey. She said it was heartbreaking to watch him crying as he packed his case to go to the hospice. It wasn’t where he wanted to be. Another friend who’s son has been in remission with a brain tumour that has now flared up again. He’s only in his 20’s, not much older than my son, and he isn’t ready to die yet. But in both these cases these men are the ones walking the walk and are also the ones who will not be there when there is the gap. A part of me is envious that these families have got time to say goodbye. I wonder what difference it would have made for me if my sister, my friends and my father in law had given us a few weeks to say goodbye. Maybe we should always be at that place of being able to say goodbye, but actually that would just be a hard place to be.
I think these cancers have made me miss those I’ve lost more. A friend told me grief is like a black dog always in the corner which can jump out at any time. This week the dog wants to be noticed and is using my friend’s tragedies to make him self known. This time, because its not me in the thick of it, I am struggling to keep busy. Maybe this is the time to just let it wash over me? It’s hard because I’m supposed to be doing work for my MSc and I can’t get my head around it. It’s a lot of writing and reflecting and all I keep doing is wanting to cry. Maybe this is a cathartic time? Maybe this is what I need? Perhaps this is the next part on my journey, the bit that comes much later and that we aren’t quite ready for.
Death is the bit where we all move on but it does leave a great big hole for those who are left behind!
A long title but how I feel today. Most of what I do, even in work, revolves around being creative. Today at after school club I’m doing a reworking of the classic story of The Three Little Pigs completed with playstations, facebook and wind machines. Because that comes under a “have to”, as in its work and I can’t say “I don’t want to today” I will do it and I’ll do it great. But I’ve come back from this weekend’s MSc weekend of study tired and with an empty head. So I’ve filed all the work, made lists of what I need to do and checked facebook. Now what?
Some of it is that I am just tired, some of it is that I need to do lots of reflecting on what I’ve done and I’m a bit nervous of that, some of it is that its dark and cold and wet, and some it because I am struggling with not starting work till 2.30. Even if I start earlier its working till nearly 9am then back again at 2.30pm. It’s easy when in a non-motivated mood to not get anything done. But does it matter? That is the key question. Like I say I do need to do the story at after school club and be alert for the children, which actually I can do because I am a professional there. But if to that it will help to take it easy and just get my work in order today that’s probably the right thing to do.
In fact over the weekend we were talking about how so often we all talk about being busy and about achieving but very rarely say that all we did was sit about and read or chat with friends. Sometimes even friends or family can be put into that busy “have to” place rather than something we can just kick off our shoes and enjoy. I visit my kids because I like them and like to spend time with them, but I know I’ve been guilty in the past of seeing friends because of other reasons; pretending its ministry stuff. How crass! I think now as I’ve had to whittle down my social life because of not having much time my friends have become special to me. I see them, text them, email them, however works best to communicate, because I like them and they like me. They are my friends not my contacts, not my busyness, not my “have tos”.
So today I’ll allow myself not to be creative. Yes I will pile up my study stuff on the table, not so that it nags me from the corner but because it will be sorted and easy to deal with there. I’ll pick up a book and I’ll just enjoy the few short hours I have this morning just to chill. And I’ll be grateful that I have this time and I will enjoy it. I won’t feel guilty because I have “achieved” this morning. And maybe by being grateful I will have achieved something in my heart?