New Year Resolutions

It’s the 31st December so I felt I ought to blog about my new year resolutions. It is a strange time of year. I always find it strange so usually go into hiding on my own and the rest of the household go off and do their own thing. Not this year. Ian has finally made it to the doctor’s and is signed off work until at least 7th January, has loads of pills and potions to take, and has settled down to being ill, no longer driving me made by “soldiering on”! And Tabitha’s party has been cancelled because her friend’s mum isn’t well and so isn’t letting them have the house and everyone else she knew has got other things arranged. So this year’s new year’s eve will be spent all of us at home together and I might even stay up watching TV with Tabitha and hear the fireworks rather than being woken by them. Though looking at the weather I think fireworks might not be a bit deal for many. I think its a fitting end to the year as so much this year has not gone as expected and so much has had to change.

Anyway now for the resolutions, which I have thought hard about. I want them to be things that I can work toward and not forget about by 3rd Jan. I’ve never done the give up chocolates/alcohol ones because I think these are essentials to make life bearable. I’ve tried the “more” ones but to no avail as life is too complicated and even though I do mean to read my Bible more/read more books/write more life has an uncanny knack of eating away my time. I’ve tired the “remembering” again leading to failure: remember everyone’s birthdays/remember when the car needs moting/remember who needs what when and I always forget. So here are 2013 three:

Realistic Expectations – for myself, for my family, for my friends, for people in general, for God, for church, for life in general. I wanted to do no expectations but actually we all have expectations so that would be doomed to failure. But with realistic expectations I can think a bit about what I expect. It also continues the theme of knowing myself so I can love others as myself. The more I get to know myself the more I will know what I can and cannot do, the more I will look at my time and see what my roles and responsibilities are. The more I learn about Ian and AS the more I will not be disappointed in what he can and cannot do and more I can accept him as he is. The more I learn about my children, my friends, my colleagues, etc the less I will be disappointed in them. My expectations will be realistic. During this last year I feel like I’ve learned more about God and peeled off some of the illusions that get put on Him so my expectations of who God is, what He is all about, have changed and I have become less disappointed in Him too. One thing from this Sunday’s preach was how we confuse victory with happiness, which hopefully I’ll have time to explore in the new year.

A More Simplistic Lifestyle – which will come from doing less, eating less, buying less and not overloading myself emotionally and physically. Again this all comes with knowing more about me and what I really do need in my life. I remember when I was a single mum and we had very little money my big thing was that the children had experiences rather than stuff. So they didn’t get many presents but we went to see plays, went on holiday, visited museums, castles, went swimming, attempted to learn French, travelled. Now we have more money we seem to have more stuff and it anchors us. My credit card is on my Amazon account and I know there is always money to pay it so instead of thinking if I really want that book I go and get it and the pile by the side of my bed gets higher and I stress about when I’m going to read them! Already I’ve started to look at places we could go and visit this year, holidays we could all go on, and then looking at my expectations for those holidays. The fridge is overloaded with food that I am having to think hard about what I am going to make with it before it goes off. This is stressful. When we had little money I would plan menus each week and only buy what we were going to eat so there was never food wasted but also never a fridge with things in that didn’t go together. I am also going to make sure I book in those “me” times in my diary, times when I’m not even writing but just reading, or walking, or having coffee. I am learning too that even though I love having coffee with my friends I need time out on my own too. And also for a healthy marriage I need time out with Ian too. There are only a set number of hours in a day/days in a week and so I will need to plan so I can keep things simple.

Gratitude – and continuing with being grateful for 10 things each morning, of picking one thing at the end of the day to be really thankful for, which actually can be hard because the more grateful I am becoming the more things I want to say were “the best” of the day, being thankful before things happen and expecting something unexpected to be thankful for by the end of the day. I want to be thankful for what I do have and not take it for granted. I want to live in the moment and explore more of this mindfulness. It is interesting but I have noticed that to enjoy living in the moment I need to plan it in. I need that time first thing in the morning to journal a bit and spend time being grateful. I need that time at the end of the day to reflect in a positive way. I need time to be able to plan in those times but also to enjoy the planning for the future and see that planning not as living in the future but as living in the moment and that moment being a time to plan.

As I have started this already this year I think it will be possible to carry it on. I also know this is where I want to go. These are not resolutions because I ought to but because I want to. I want to “love my neighbour as myself” which I know has meant I need to love myself, but it also means I need to have time for those I come across, to see their time with me as special and to live in that moment. I remember about 15 years ago an Anglican vicar who use to come and visit and he would park his car on the double yellow lines outside our house, come in and give us his undivided attentions, and when he left we felt like he really had wanted to be with us, was really listening to us, and really cared but when we looked at the clock less that 5 minutes would have passed but I think he had learned to live in the moment. This is a person I aspire to be like; to know that living in the moment means being fully there even if it is just for a very short period of time.

I am looking forward to whatever 2013 has to offer 🙂

A Dog’s Life

The expression “a dog’s life” is used to mean something not so great, a hard time, something not to want. I think its wrong. Dogs are such simple creatures. Today it is pouring with rain and blowing a gale. Renly still wants to go for a walk. Why? Because that’s what we do first thing in the morning.

Not from today but from sunnier times in June

I’ve tried taking him to new and exciting places but really all he wants to go to is the field beyond the playing field 10 mins walk from our house so he can smell the same smells, do the same walk, meet the same people. I have taken him else where and he does a sort of doggy sulk. Yes he runs about a bit but not the same way. Yet when we go to the field he gets excited as we enter the playing field, his head is all over the place looking for things, he runs to the same spots and sniffs at the same places he did yesterday, maybe to check the smells are still there. The most exciting thing is when he spots his doggy friends. He has 2 or 3 special ones that he likes to go off playing with. He will even run across the field to great them. His 2 favourites are the younger of a pair of miniature schnauzers and a springer spaniel who is the same age as him. But in his regular field he is bold and brave and will “talk” to any dog no matter how big or small. He has been tempted by some of the owners of the larger dogs by being fed treats. When he is in a walking place he has never been before he isn’t anywhere near as bold and fearless.

I would have taken photos of Renly with his doggy friends to go in today’s blog but because of the rain and wind I didn’t. And now after a good run and breakfast he is asleep in his basket.

There is nothing in Renly that wants to explore the world. He is happy with the simple things in life and when he’s in his own space he is brave and trusting of others. I’m not saying we shouldn’t go off and push the boundaries but I do wonder if sometimes in doing that we take away the contentment we could have if we were just happy with where we are and what we know?

Change again!

Once again life takes a different course. Today we were meant to be heading up to the Peak District for a friend’s 50th birthday for 3 days, but Ian has gone down with a horrid flu-like cough. I feel sorry for him but I must be honest and say I’m glad  be having some time at home. Before I met Ian Ben, Tabitha and I use to hibernate for a few days, eat good food, watch TV, play games, chat and recharge. Since being with Ian it’s not been the same. That is the “joys” of being in a couple, the thing that everyone tells you about but you don’t see it is going to be an issue. You never notice how opposite you are until you live together, some say until you marry. That even living together you hold something back and it is only marriage that brings down all the barriers. I don’t know.

So poor Ian is in bed, Tabitha is a bit fed up as she was looking forward to having the house all to herself for 3 days, though I think she might enjoy having meals cooked and someone to walk the dog in the morning!

Ben and Erica were here for 4 days which was lovely and maybe it was yesterday which made me want to hibernate. It wasn’t that it was stressful or busy, in fact the opposite. It was chilled, easy and relaxing. I feel tired after it. I was up at 8 with the dog and no one else got up till 10.30 by then I’d fought the turkey into the oven and was peeling and preparing a mountain of vegetables. Christmas dinner, which is what it was for us as family yesterday, is a time when I think I’m feeding the 5000 single handedly. Because I’d been up early I was able to stop when the others had breakfast and have a coffee with them and a chat. Before you knew it the turkey was on its way out of the oven and the 5 of us were sitting down to eat. We sat and ate and drank and chatted for nearly 2 hours, even Ian who was feeling very rough. He then went to bed and we watched TV and played card games and talked of times gone by. Thanks to BBC iplayer we were able to Dr Who and Top of the Pops a day late. Ian reappeared for more lemsip before the 2 of us left the younger ones watching Chicago till midnight. A good and restful day! 🙂

End of Year Round Up

Every year, about 1st December, I write a newsletter, a round-up of what we’ve been up to as a family over the year. This year I was advised by a few people not to because of what had happened but in the shower this morning I thought that there have been so many good things that have happened in this year why should I not tell the world.

Yes we have had to deal with the death of my sister, Carole, then three days later Jon’s suicide, then 2-3 weeks later the finding of Brooke’s body in the river, then Carole Hawes losing her battle with cancer, and all these have been hard. Through it all though I have grown deeper in my relationship with God, no longer expecting Him to be my fairy godmother, and have been able to explore God and suffering. I have grown deeper in knowing who I am and my strengths and weaknesses and where I want to go in the world. It has been a great time of growth personally for me through all this. And as the year heads to a close the pain of grief has gone from a knife searing flesh to a dull ache that pervades most things.

But also this year in February a miracle that I had been praying for for years happened – I got the sight in both my eyes. Ok so it wasn’t at a healing service and it wasn’t instantaneous and it did cost £4500, roughly, but I now have normal sight for someone of my age, which means I have to wear glasses for close up work and glasses when I’m driving. It is amazing to come in on a cold day and not steam over, to come in and be able to see has made me more confident in going to places I have not been to before. As all spectacle wearers will tell you it is horrid coming into a place you have never been before and not being able to see because your glasses have all misted over. And for me I couldn’t take my glasses off to get any help because I was so so short sighted. For those who wear make up this will make sense, I couldn’t put mascara on because when I got my face close enough to the mirror to see it was touching it! It was amazing to sit in the hairdressers and be able to see her cut my hair. So many awesome things. Another amazing miracle with this was that we had the £4500. Mum paid for one eye and we had the money to pay for the other. 🙂 I am still a bit cross that I never got to share my testimony in church because of what happened and that those deaths took the edge off it, which they did, but it was still an amazing miracle for me for 2012.

On the money front we also had our kitchen totally redone. The kitchen had been in since Ian bought the house in 1999 and we’re not sure how long beforehand. This was another thing that I had started negotiations on in the February which nearly got hijacked by the bereavement we were going through but I felt I needed it and we had the money. It was tough as it took so much longer than expected. In this instant age it is amazing how something that takes 16 days instead of 6 can become a real issue. But now we have a beautiful new kitchen which got finished off in November by a super new table and chairs from Ikea, again payment helped by my Mum.

There have been some great achievements. A week after Carole and Jon died Tabitha performed in 2 very different plays, one a play she had devised with her Monday night drama group where they explored different theatrical practises. It was also a bitter sweet time because this would be the last time she would be performing with someone she had been in drama groups for the last 5 years with.

not tabitha as you can guess 🙂

Then the other play was this her BTEC Performing Arts group where she played the lead Fury in Oresteia, where she had to sing, dance and act, and she had never danced or sang in public before September 2011. She was totally amazing in it too. In fact she was amazing in both even though she felt the pain of Jon not being there. He had asked for tickets for both her performances.

Tabitha has in fact done really well this year. We have spent a lot of time going to university open days to help her choose what she is going to do at university in Sept 2014. She has done really well in her BTEC so far and is working hard to come out with good grades for the end so that in next year’s round-up I can say which auditions she passes and which university she is going to. She has also finally got herself a regular part time job with McDonald’s. It was an interesting twist as she is working in the McDonald’s in the centre of Bath, which was the one she wanted to be in, but it turns out she shouldn’t have been allow to work there because McDonald’s have a policy that there workers come from certain catchment areas and she should be working in Trowbridge. She has carried on with the camera/vision mixing voluntary work at Bath City Church, though with all that has gone on over the last year is questioning how she walks out her relationship with God and if she really wants to. Again here is someone learning about themselves more and more and their personal relationship with God. I am very proud of her.

On the achievement front I am very proud of what I did with Ywam Next Wave and Weymouth. It was all very hard work and when it was over I felt very isolated, but I managed to coordinate a full program for the ship for the 3 weeks it was in Weymouth, had visiting teams come, and kept the whole thing of the Next Wave coming to Weymouth in the minds of the ReFresh coordinators who were flagging at times due to the pressure they were under. It was unfortunate I didn’t get to spend as much time in Weymouth as I would have like due to commitments and exhaustion but I still think I did very well.

And in all of it I still managed to pass my first year at university with 68% and am starting this year with good marks and confidence about where I am going and what I want to do. A lot of this is down to good tutors and help from fellow students. I have felt very supported through it all and have met come lovely people who are growing into friends.

That is something I have learned – friendship needs to be tested and grown into. A lot of the time we say we are friends with someone when in fact it has not stood the test of time, or we want different things out of a friendship; different commitments, expectations, etc and so get hurt and bruised. It has been a year of looking at me a bit and what I want and need out of life. Again it is part of that growing thing.

And what about Ian and Ben? Well Ian might say its been a rough year, which is has, but in it all he’s been to Austria skiing with Ben and was the first to meet Ben’s girlfriend, Erica, went walking in Scotland with friends he’s had for over 20 years, has been to Austria again in the summer with more friends from that same group of 20 plus years, has endured work trips to China and Germany, and has held down a job which in this economic climate is amazing. He’s connected in with the men’s group at Bath City Church and built a Rabbit Palace in our garden.

Ben had to deal with his grief over Jon whilst he was in Austria working and missed Brooke’s funeral because he had a work assessment training week near Stoke. He’s had an amazing year though. On 16th December 2012 he did his first bit of international travel alone, going by train to Stanstead, plane to Vienna, stayed overnight in Vienna in a youth hostel, then travelled by Austrian train to where he was starting work. It was there he met Erica, both of them working in the kitchens together. He came back and got a job with an outdoor centre just outside of Stoke. Erica and him missed each other so much that he gave in his job and went to live with her in her parent’s home in Camborne, Cornwall. Since being there he has got a job in Cotswold Outdoors, joined the Camborne rugby team and is planning a trip to walk the Appalachian trail in 2014. It might not be what I would have chosen, so I am so glad I am not the one in charge of mapping his life. Erica is delightful. It may sound cliché but it is like having another daughter in the house. Her and Tabitha get on very well, always important knowing how close Ben and Tabitha are/were. And Erica’s parents are lovely. I met them at Greenbelt and then we all met them and went out for a meal together when Tabitha went to check out Falmouth University.

As well as this we have had a new edition, who should have his own Facebook page the amount of photos I post of him on there. Renly is a pughasa, a pug cross lhasa apso. Tabitha and I went to look at him 2 days before Carole died and we picked him up 2 weeks later. He has been a delight. Someone to get us out of the house when we’re feeling low. He is a clown and is always making us laugh. And even when we  had to go for Carole’s funeral the tension that could have happened was broken because we had a 19 year old university friend of mine come round a puppy sit who is funny and maybe a bit insensitive at times but that was good. She made us have to laugh too.

As well we had a family holiday in a very wet Lake District in June, a birthday barbecue in the rain for Ian’s birthday. In fact I could list a lot of events we’ve had in the rain over this year. So it has been a bitter sweet year but I wanted to share the good and the bad. I think too often in our newsletters we don’t share our real lives. We pick out the good bits, the bits we think other people would like to hear, when in fact if we are really friends we should be willing to share it all. But then are we really friends with those we send our yearly updates to? Well I must say that for me there are many out there I don’t keep in touch with from one year to the next who I would still say are my friends and one day …. maybe?

We’ve also had the Olympic torch pass through Bradford on Avon, a rower from the Bradford on Avon canoeing club win a gold in the Olympics so we now have a gold postbox in the centre of Bradford on Avon. And there are loads of things that have gone on with us, in our town and with our friends – good and bad – that are too numerous to mention. And as I’ve got to over 2000 words I think I need to stop – we’re off out now for lunch to catch up with people we haven’t seen in over a year. This is life good and bad, highs and lows, depths of despair and amazing joy. I am learning to be content in all things, to love my neighbour as myself, and learning to be grateful and live in the moment.

CONTENTED CHRISTMAS AND NEW YEAR TO EVERYONE

This probably won’t be my last blog of the year but it might be. Ben and Erica are here till 27th and then we’re away till 29th so who knows!

And for those who’ve made it to the end – well done. And if you’ve not read my blog before this is the best way of keeping with what I’m up to 🙂

Friends

I received some bad news the other day, delivered by a friend who thinks its ok to dump on, and it is. I’m her friend I would expect it of her. The news though was hard to handle and I was thinking of the friends I could share this with. It could get a bit like “it’s a secret, don’t tell” and then before you know it it has been passed back to you again and half the world knows, or at least half your circle of friends. This news isn’t yet ready to become that sort of thing. So I thought about who I could trust with this and I texted a friend who has got praying about it. She is also someone I can talk to about why this news has thrown me as it has even though I saw it coming, but it will go no further than her and I. That is the friendship I have with her.

I got an email yesterday from a distant friend who is lovely and sends me gifts every so often. My love language isn’t gifts but I do love receiving those special things from special people who have seen something and thought of me. In this email she apologised for not having been in touch but that she had been going through a tough time and didn’t want to share it with me. Now I was touched with that as much as with the friend who shared all and left me feeling fragile. This friend sees me in a different way and is able to be honest with me about why she hasn’t been in touch, though hasn’t said all the reason for the dark time. And that is fine. I feel like that is a good friendship too.

These are the people I’d call friends. I think it’s something about the honesty. I’ve been journeying with Belinda as she has had to deal with friends not being there for her. Plant Grief explains it well as she has gone through similar with the sudden death of her husband. It is her line “I have some amazing friends who have stuck by me through thick and thin, and make no mistake, I have been hard work to be around for much of these last twenty months” which really struck me. Why would friends not stick with someone through whatever no matter how hard they are? To me it’s obvious. There maybe friends of mine out there who say I haven’t done that. To them I apologise. We all make mistakes and I’m not going to defend myself or make excuses. Maybe for me there has to be something more, maybe a two way thing.

I think of Belinda’s journey and how there have been times when she has listened to my outpourings, and also of how we have both cried through things together. And maybe those friends that Planet Grief mentions who gave up it was because they had other friends who needed them and only had so much emotional energy. And maybe too Planet Grief could only let so many people in on her journey. Who knows?

A friend though, I feel, is someone that even when they aren’t in touch is there. It’s not like a text or email saying “I’m here for you when you need me” It’s something more, a feeling, a connection, something deeper. Perhaps that’s how I can put up with some of the stuff I’ve walked with Belinda, how I can cope with being there for the friend who dumped her stuff on me that did rock my world, or by the email from my other friend that says things she cannot say. Maybe in our big connecting world we know too many people and yet our hearts can only care for so many? Or maybe it is something so so so much more.

Who knows what makes a friend? Mustard Seed Budget talks of his blog friends and how it would be creepy to invite us all to his for coffee and yet to have a coffee and think of him. And yes I would say I have blog friends who put up with a lot to do with me. I also have friends who keep an eye on how I am by reading my blogs. These are different friendships, though some cross over to other circles. Maybe we need to differentiate between those different groups then maybe we wouldn’t be hurt when some friends pull through for us and others don’t. Maybe too it’s different personalities and different life experiences that make people behave in different ways in different situations. Perhaps even in our times of most trial we need to still be able to love ourselves then we could “love our neighbour as ourselves”?

Point of View

It is how you look at things that determines how you view the world, and it’s how you see God that determines how you feel.

I think if you believe the evangelical approach that only those who follow Jesus will go to heaven you can do ok until someone dies that you don’t know whether they had “accepted Jesus” or not. If they haven’t then the belief is that that person will go to hell for eternal torment, that will leave one with a great sense of fear, for self and for others.

I must say I believe God to be bigger than that. In the Bible it says “all are made in the image of God”. That isn’t after they “accept Jesus” but from birth. Ok all sin. We know that. And some sins are big and some are small and it does depend where Church-think is that the time as to which are big and which are small. Again the Bible doesn’t seem to differentiate. I also think it says about God being great, merciful, gracious, love. If God is all those things will He really let the majority of His creation go and burn in torment for all eternity? I hope not. In fact if He did then He wouldn’t be love.

Ok I know the argument with that. I’ve been a Christian for long enough. But you know what I love my children and they do daft things but I will still support them. In fact I have supported them on loads of things they aren’t doing now. I have defended them when others have tried to put them down even for things I don’t agree with. Now if I do that and I’m only human, what is God who can see and know all things going to do for His children.

The argument could go that because we have had 3 people this year die who either did  not profess a faith in Jesus or with Jon who did the still unthinkable and took his own life, maybe that is why I have this outlook. I must say that I was slowly moving more in that direction anyway. And maybe that is because I’ve seen too much of life, its hurts and pains to be so clear cut on it all. When Jon died I believe I “heard” God say “because of my gracious mercy Jon is seated with me in heavenly places”. Ok it could be argued that I made it up to make myself feel better. That we’ll never know and I’m not going to argue with it.

Ian said last night that “we’ll never know where people go when they die” which is true but I think we will find out. And I cannot believe that there will be no tears in heaven if we know that those we loved on earth are being tormented for eternity whilst we’re having a good time with God. Seems a bit odd to me! Or are we going to lose our minds and memories? That’s sad. Am I making it all as I want it to be? Maybe, but then isn’t the “going to hell” stuff similar. Paula Gooder at Greenbelt in 2011 talked about how little we actually know about heaven and hell and who’s going to be there and yet we’ve made a whole fear and “you must believe our way” issue out of it. I think that the whole “God is gracious and merciful” is enough to sway me into my way of thinking.

Why then do I follow Jesus? Because, as Dave Tomlinson says in “How to be a Bad Christian”, for me it works best. For me I was at a meeting nearly 21 years ago, very small, about 20 people there, and the guy was talking about God being Love and I felt like I was being enveloped in liquid, warm, soothing liquid, and I cried and cried and cried in front of strangers and felt totally cleansed afterwards. Because of that I do my best to follow Jesus in the way I see best, which can bring me into conflict with others. And I’ve been there and I’ve done the legalistic bit, the rule based “thou shall and thou shall not” and I made mistakes in raising my kids that way. I’ve trashed books and records and clothes in my bid to “be clean”. I now listen to Radio One in the car and love Eminem and Kanye West, though I find the swear can grate after a while.

I want to follow the Old Testament God who loved His people, wanted their hearts even when they screwed up, wanted to see the whole world know Him. And yes at times He did go for the kill and cleanse approach and I’m not sure about that. But I also want to follow the God of the New Testament, because I think they are the same God, who sent His son to live in such an poor unassuming way, then to be horribly tortured and crucified, a God who understand pain and suffering and yet still Loves through all that.

This whole thing of God only choosing certain people and in a certain way creates anger and fear and can be cruel. In God can’t be kept out Rachel Held Evans says how this fear of God not being able to be everywhere and do what He wants has meant some awful things have been said about the Sandy Hook killings, and actually we have heard some awful things said about Jon’s suicide. All are based on a fear of death, of God, of free will, and the need for power and control. Rachel puts it much better than me. Do read it.

And there will always be the “where was God?” questions and “why did God let it happen?” which we will never know the answer to. But I think we all need to getting back to the learning to know and love ourselves, to accept ourselves as we are, so that then we can go on and love other people. Who knows then what a different outcome there would have been for Sandy Hook, for Jon, for the children abused today and yesterday and who have an abusive Christmas to look forward to? If we truly loved ourselves we would not be afraid to being involved in other people’s lives and of loving them and being there for them as they needed. And we would never stop every suicide and every abuse and every shooting, but who knows by the love we do give to each other now what things that could happen don’t!

Remembering …

I’ve been reading lots of blogs from American bloggers about the shooting in the Connecticut school. It is easy for us over here, and with children no longer in school, and carrying our own stuff, to let it pass us by. Sandy Hook seems worse than high school shooting. Here were children that we still see as innocents. Elementary school is for ages  I remember the Dunblane shootings of 1996 because Ben was at school that year and it really did frighten me because it felt so close. But what has struck me, both with the article about Dunblane and a couple of the blogs, that things get remembered. When one reads the ages of those who died 6 years old, 7 years old, as well as teachers too. It does leave the Why questions hanging there.

The thing that struck me though was that latests shooting has reminded people of the other school shootings in America and of Dunblane, will bring up the pain again. I think about the parents, survivors, teachers, friends of, and all those that were effected by the previous shoots and the pain that brings up in their hearts and minds. Life will never be the same for them again and each time something happens they will remember. So my heart goes out not just to those who are fresh to grief but to those for whom it brings up so much buried pain.

I think there is so much we don’t understand about the human mind. It is interesting too that we can squash it and make it all just “go away”. I think of how some of Belinda’s friends have reacted to Jon’s death, almost hoping life can go back to normal. I realise that there have been tragedies and losses that I have hidden away and tried to go on with “business as usual” but it comes round to get me in the end. There is always something that will trigger a memory. Last night I cried after my Mum had left because her husband fell asleep like my stepdad use to and I realised how much I missed him.

There is a lovely poem about being kind to those who grieve and on another blog about how we all grieve differently. I just want to keep this short today so we can remember that we are all different and all process differently. Again it comes back to the “if I love myself I can love others as myself” and that isn’t to say we’re all the same but it is to say that we are all different and we must love our differences and celebrate them.

The Plan …

The plan for this morning last night was to have a lie in till about 7.30, get up, put the meat in the oven, have a shower, take dog out then get on with the other chores – preparing veg, cleaning house, etc, so I turned the heating off so it wouldn’t wake anyone.

The plan at 6.30 this morning, when I was wide awake, was get up, have an hour or so to myself, put the meat on, have a shower, walk the dog, etc, so I settled down on the couch with blanket, journal and Bible.

The plan by 7am had changed again because for some reason kept totally to himself the dog was up by then and bounding about! So find clothes in the dark so as not to wake Ian who wasn’t very well when he went to bed last night, put meat on before taking dog for a walk, walk dog, come home and do something before everyone gets up.

Whilst on the walk I decided I’d change my Christmas veg order – that can be how my mind works when it gets down time! – check emails and blog whilst everyone is still in bed. So I have come home and sorted the veg order on line and then got lost in checking emails. There are always so many and so many seem too interesting to ignore. There are loads of Christmas newsletters which are always fun to read. I haven’t done one this year as I was advised that it would be better to wait till next year and go from there, so there are lots of good things people won’t hear but also lots of bad things they wont hear too. But even replying has been difficult because the walk didn’t exhaust the dog as it should because he has been jumping about and the only way to shut him up is to have him sat on my lap.

It is now nearly 10am. I’m sure I’ve done lots this morning but there is so much more to do. I still need that shower and there are veg and puddings to sort of 7. Today my mum and her husband are coming to Christmas lunch before they jet off to the Caribbean for a winter cruise. Normally we go to theirs but with Carole not being with us then I wanted something different. Mind you Carole was in a funny place last year and didn’t join us so maybe not so different.

Now it’s time to stop as Tabitha is dashing out to rehearsals for the morning and Ben and Erica are up. So there are people to look after the dog and I can have my shower. Just need to wait for Ian to get up so I can hoover!

Birthdays

I was going to call this “waves” or “round again” or something like that but I do worry that I might be using up those phrases. I was wondering how long the pain can last for and asked a friend. Her parents died when she was in her late teens/early twenties and her oldest sister died over 5 years ago and she says that every Christmas she still feels the pain. She thinks each year it won’t hurt and then it does. She says Christmas and the end of the year/beginning of a new year seem to be a time when you look back and forward and remember those who you are actually still grieving for.

Yesterday we went to Belinda’s 30th birthday party. She’ll actually be 30 tomorrow but this was the day a lovely older couple who have been looking after her for the last 8 months picked to do it on. They are a great older couple; very forceful when they decide on something and also have been a great help to the rest of us, just knowing someone is there. But it was a weird time. I picked Belinda’s brother up from the station and he said what I was feeling, that it was all wrong that Belinda should be celebrating her 30th birthday without Jon. It is wrong. Many of Belinda’s close friends haven’t been able to cope with Jon’s death and haven’t been seeing Belinda, but she has been swept up by a new group of friends, but it meant that there were probably half the people there who didnt’ know Jon. Yes they felt for Belinda and were there for her, but they didn’t know Jon. I’m not sure what they think of him but it wouldn’t be the loss that we were feeling. It was odd and it hurt last night. I’ve got half a flash fiction/poem in my head that I need to find time to get on paper as I think it might help me.

But also this month it was my nephew’s 21st. Even though we talk about 18 being the age when things happen many of the young people I know do something special for their 21st. One lad on my history course is being taken to New York for his 21st which is over Christmas. Joe has to face this, a significant birthday, but also his first birthday without his mother, my sister. I don’t know how he feels because we haven’t really spoken since well before my sister died. He might be doing ok, as Belinda appeared to be last night. For me, once again, the tangle has come. I hurt all over again, which means I’m not sleeping properly and so over tired and out of sorts, which makes me feel more low and out of sorts, etc, etc. I keep slogging through the positive stuff, knowing that for now it has to be an exercise because that is the only way I’ll get out the other side.

I want to share something from Richard Rohr from this morning which for me summed things up:

In more ways than one, we are waiting in darkness. Isaiah prophesied Jesus’ birth, saying, “The people walking in darkness have seen a great light” (Isaiah 9:2).Yet, the darkness will never totally go away. I’ve worked long enough in ministry to know that moral evil isn’t going to disappear, but the Gospel offers something much more subtle and helpful: “the light shines on the inside of the darkness, and the darkness will not overcome it” (John 1:5). Such is the Christian form of yin-yang, our own belief in paradox and mystery. We must all hope and work to eliminate darkness, especially in many of the great social issues of our time. We wish world hunger could be eliminated. We wish we could stop wasting the earth’s resources on armaments. We wish we could stop killing people from womb to tomb. But at a certain point, we have to surrender to the fact that the darkness is part of reality, and my logical mind does not know why. But the only real question becomes how to trust the light, receive the light, and spread the light. That is not a capitulation to evil any more than the cross was a capitulation to evil. It is real transformation into the unique program of the Crucified and Risen Christ. This is the one pattern that redeems reality instead of punishing evil or thinking we can eliminate it entirely. Our main job is to face it in ourselves. adapted from Preparing for Christmas with Richard Rohr, p. 22

(oh the text has gone little and I don’t know to change it but please keep reading)For me this sums up how things are – It is dark but actually we all need to accept that darkness is part of the reality of our lives, and it is how I learn to trust that light. And I think it is only when I can trust the light that I can receive that light and of course only when I’ve received the light fully can I share it. I am working at the moment on learning to trust the light and receive it, and maybe in my humble way through this blog I am trying to spread it. I don’t know. But for me this is how I feel, that God is there and real and yet the world is a dark place, bad things happen, and yet there is light shining in that darkness – through events, through people, through the amazing frost patterns we have been having here at the moment. I am beginning to embrace this more and more. Its not that the light has come now and overcome the darkness but that it is shining even in the dark and will not be beaten. This is all very different to many of the things I was taught in charismatic church, but then this is part of my journey.

Watch What You Say

Tribune Leveson cartoon by Gary Barker 19th Nov 2012

There are so many saying and proverbs about watching what you say and of how words can kill and yet we all are desperate for news and scandal. There has just been the Leveson report after the phone hacking scandal. Yet I wonder how many people bought those papers and avidly read the stories that came about due to the phone hacking. I remember an editor of Hello magazine saying about some scandal and that even though people were outraged it was still the highest sales figures they had so they kept finding more and more dirt on people.

Well this time words have killed. Two DJs an Australian radio station, probably thinking it would improve ratings and look good for them, made a hoax call to the hospital the Duchess of Cambridge was in because of severe morning sickness. They pretended to be someone of importance and obtained information from the nurses about the Duchess which they then broadcast. And I am sure lots of their listeners found it all very amusing. One of the nurses didn’t find it amusing and committed suicide. I am sure the DJs are as stunned and distraught as they say they are, but this girl is now dead and her family have to cope with it.

One will never know if this hoax was a last straw for this nurse, whether there had been lots of other

things going on in her life, or whether she had a very sensitive personality where something like that could be too much. But I think what we all need to learn from this is that people can be hurt by the things we find funny. We should be looking to the feelings of others not just going for cheep laughs.

Words are the most powerful thing we have and we can use them as a weapon to kill and destroy or we can use them to uplift and bless. It takes 10 times more positive words to make a difference than one negative one. We can all think of negative things that have been said to us much quicker than we can think of positive ones. We can all think of stupid things we’ve done that we would rather forget about but that we can remember in vivid detail.

I’m sure the two DJs didn’t think they were being cruel, but they were being thoughtless. Interestingly the radio station isn’t repentant but defending itself by saying:

hoax calls “as a craft” have been going for “decades and decades”.

Is this a craft or just a thoughtless prank? Would a better defence just be to say “sorry”? Or do we live in an age where saying sorry and being repentant don’t happen? That is an interesting thought when there are so many international reconciliation events going on across the world; countries that oppressed others repenting and trying to make amends. But maybe its easier to repent of a national thing that ancestors were involved in than something personal? And like with this hoax call, something “everyone” does, or that we thought was a joke and the person the joke was played on reacted differently to what we had expected, so actually we are hurt by their “wrong” reaction and are defensive.

Each of us is guilty of a thoughtless word that has wounded someone badly. Interestingly Belinda and I were talking yesterday about Jon and how his mental condition came from a childhood trauma and yet his parents don’t appear to recognise that, but maybe that trauma came from something thoughtless on their part that they may have even thought was helping Jon. Who knows? With things my sister said there were lots of things she had received in her heart during the same upbringing I had that had effected her deeply but hadn’t with me. Different personality.

Perhaps today needs to be a day of remembrance for Jacintha Saldanha ,where we have a moment to think and reflect, to repent and forgive, for the thoughtless words we’ve said or received. And to remember those for whom it did get too much and who did take their own lives as their only means of escape